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Like all modern spiritual leaders, Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) hopes to become "the next Deepak Chopra" and appear on Oprah. So he accepts a hockey owner's (Jessica Alba) offer to guide her star player (Romany Malco) back to his wife (Meagan Good), who's run off with rival goalie Jacque "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake). Think that sounds funny? Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer also plays Coach Cherkov (wait, say that out loud a few times), and Ben Kingsley appears as Guru Tugginmypudha (ditto).
 
Big question: Can Myers, nearly a decade after the first "Austin Powers," score as another moronic character with a ridiculous accent, or will he again sink to the irritating depths of "The Cat in the Hat"?

Skip it: "The Love Guru" is nothing but awful gags about feces, sex and genitalia in a seemingly endless comedy that may actually send some viewers into therapy, if not anger management. For example: Pitka smells the end of a pole after removing it from his butt; his mentor (Kingsley) forces competitors to fight with mops dipped in urine; and there's an extended scene in which Pitka and Jane (Alba) sit down to a meal of nuts, a pickle and curly fries meant to look like, well, you know.
 
Catch it: "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" fans may enjoy that Pitka's mantra is simply uttering the name Mariska Hargitay. Boy, if you think it's hilarious the first time, get ready to really crack up after he does it an additional 37 times.
 
Bottom line: Myers drives this quickly sinking ship straight into the ground, with so much crass, comedic arrogance it's surprising he didn't play every role, Eddie Murphy-style. That would have been appropriate, since Pitka—who really needs to stop laughing at his own jokes—is officially the most irritating onscreen character since Norbit's wife, Rasputia.
 
Bonus: In the not-yet-terrible opening, Pitka speaks into the East India Voiceover Machine that has three settings: man, woman and Morgan Freeman. Which, by our count, brings Freeman's total voiceover credits to an even 10,000. Congrats!

Video: Watch the review of 'The Love Guru'

What do you think of 'The Love Guru'? Email me: mpais@tribune.com

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